Tag Archives: love

Changing behavior from the inside out

If we want to change our inner self, we cannot do it by wishing it to be so. We have to actively pursue it. To correct an outward behavior we don’t like, we have to attack its source. That source is our heart. If our heart has taken a bad direction for a while, the only way to “fix” it is to give it a different direction to go in. We can’t get rid of a bad behavior by just trying to stop that behavior. We have to replace it with a good behavior. Once again, we have to change the heart first to go on this new path otherwise our efforts will be fruitless. We have to imagine the new behavior we want and then start practicing it just like we would any other skill we want to learn. We are apprenticing to Christ here and if you were apprenticing to a master of any skill, you would emulate them doing it until you master that skill. Jesus teaches us that in the example about washing the inside of the glass and that the outside will get clean in the process. (Matt 23:26)

Apprenticing is a long and arduous task. It does not happen overnight. We did not develop our bad attitudes overnight and they will not be transformed overnight. We must pull up beside our Master and ask him to guide us in this journey. He longs to complete this task in us so He will be glad to be there every step of the way.

If you’re angry with someone. Instead of thinking of all the things they’ve done to harm you, imagine Christ beside them and how He loves them. How would He reconcile this situation? First off, He wouldn’t be mad at them. He loves them when they do right and when they do wrong. That is the definition of grace. How can you extend this same grace to them? First forgive them for what they have done then do the most loving for them. Pray for them. Pray that they come to love and serve Christ in the way He wants them to. That is the best life for anybody so it must be for them too. You’ve now replaced bad intentions for good ones (with God’s help). Do this over and over for them and others.

If you lust for someone, imagine Christ in between the two of you. That makes it really hard to lust now with Him in the picture doesn’t it? Now pray that God will help you see this person as He does and love them as He does from the inside out not from the outside in as you have been doing.

When we apply this to coaching, we want to replace a bad behavior with a good one instead of just yelling at someone and telling them not to do that anymore. We must give them a positive behavior and drill it into them until it’s a habit.

If we want them to be respectful, we teach them how. All coaches will be referred to as Coach or Sir. Proper responses are yes sir, yes Coach _____. If they give a proper response then the relationship is as we want it and we can positively reinforce that in many ways. If they don’t give a proper response then they do pushups or some other form of punishment until the response is automatic. They must understand that our desire to change their behavior comes from a point of love otherwise it will be interpreted as meanness towards them. Remember to change behavior we must first change their heart so that the desire to do right lives there first. If we try to change just the behavior then we are imparting a type of legalism on them that Jesus warned the Pharisees about.

If we want them to not commit a holding penalty in a game then we need to teach them how to block without holding. Teach hand and shoulder placement without grasping the opponent’s jersey. Punish when they don’t achieve this and reward with praise when they do achieve this. So many coaches try to teach how to hold without getting caught and then are amazed when their guy gets called for holding. You taught him to hold so he did! Don’t be amazed when he gets caught. They have to intend not to hold without trying because that’s all they know. They only know the right way because that’s all they’ve been taught.

If we want our players to not jump offsides, we must teach them to focus while in their stances instead of telling them the negative “don’t jump”.

When trying to correct a negative behavior, first imagine that behavior as it is when it is positively exhibited then come up with a way to teach that and to drill it until they do it from the heart. This is real coaching and not just screaming out of frustration.

These thoughts come from my present study of “Renovation of the Heart” by Dallas Willard.

Validation comes from God

This is a storytime I do with the boys. I have been sharing this with them for at least the last 5 years.

We should get our validation from God. Validation is that secure feeling down deep in your soul that you know who you and what you are and nothing can shake it. No matter what anybody says to you or if they slander your name, you are secure that you are worthwhile. If we allow people to validate us, we allow them to invalidate us. That’s why we see people that are so happy when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend then so crushed when they lose their boyfriend or girlfriend. They were seeking validation from another person. For a while that other person validated them and they felt good about themselves but when the other person wasn’t there anymore, they felt awful. So many people take this rollercoaster ride all of the time when they don’t have to. We weren’t designed to be validated by other people. People are fallible; they aren’t God and therefore fall short of the requirements to fully validate us. Even our parents, who love us more than any other person does, make mistakes and invalidate us from time to time.

The way we get our validation from God is to know what He’s done for us. When someone loves you and thinks you are worthwhile, how do we know that they do? By their actions. What they do FOR us. We may not always agree with them at the time that what they’re doing is best for us but in the end we know it is. So it is with God. God has created a universe of 200 million galaxies for us to live in. He has provided for the fine tuning of all of those galaxies and specifically our galaxy and planet Earth for you. To allow you to live on this planet, in your neighborhood, in this time. He has done all of this for YOU. He created air for you to breathe, water for you to drink, food to eat. He created the body to carry your soul around on this earth. He created us in His image. The Bible says He only gave his image to man and no other creature on earth. With this image comes a conscience to help us navigate good and evil. It comes with a desire to create, just like He did. A desire to love just as He does. A desire to be loved just as He has. A desire to be extraordinary just as He is. All of this He gifted to YOU so that you may live a wonderful life. He also sent His son Jesus to die for our sins so that we may live eternally with Him. Can you imagine allowing people to kill your son when you have the power to stop it. How painful that would be. What kind of love must He have for YOU that He endured all of that because He knew that is price He must pay to allow YOU to live in His presence forever.

Once you take this knowledge into your heart….your soul…. and make it permanent part of who you are, nobody can shake this foundation of who you are and how loved you are. You were designed to be validated by the one true God and only He can do it. Let Him.